The Honeymoon Is Over
by XxFLASHERxX
Summary: Edward and Bella on their Honeymoon. Hehe. T


"Bella last night was the best night of my life..." Edward sighed blissfully as Bella lean her head on his chest.

"Yeah, well, about that... you can totally tell your a virgin..." Bella scoffed, sitting up.

"What?" Edward asked, bewildered as he stared down at his blushing bride.

"I mean last night, the first time you didn't even get it in the right place! The second, well hey, nothing says love like bruises after sex," scoffs while looking down at her battered skin.

"But..." Edward cried, eyes all wild and scared.

"No! Honeys talking, shush! And then you cried! I mean, come on!" she rolls her eyes.

"I cried because it was the best moment of my life... it was so intimate..." he whispered, pulling the blankets up to his chin feeling exposed.

"Oh, and don't even get me started about how you couldn't get it up!" she scoffed.

"Hey, you try getting up and ready when you have no blood circulation!" he yelled, sitting up straight.

"Oh, please! And then you wanted to _talk_!"She used air quotations.

"While I'm sorry if I'm such a disappointment, I'm sorry that I don't have warm, circulating blood like your puppy, I'm sorry that I didn't want to go at it like rabbits," he yelled, folding arms across chest and pouting.

"Well hey, with what you were doing last night you pretty much was going at it like a rabbit!" she yelled back.

He gasped, and then sighed, "My love, I'm sorry... what can I do to make it up for you today?" he held her hand running his thumb over her knuckles.

"Hey, I've already got plans," she smirked.

"Huh?" he asked.

5 Hours Later

Edward pushed his head up through the covers, looking into Bella's eyes, "When's it my turn?" he huffed in a whining tone.

"When I actually feel your tongue!" she yelled hitting his head.

"Well, couldn't you have waxed before the wedding!" he yelled, ducking back under the covers as she gasped surprised.

"Wow, you have a preference already? You have only seen one vagina in your entire 100 years of life," again using quotation marks as he made his way back up the covers.

"Hey, I'm sorry if I don't like the jungle!" he yelled, and then looked back down there and yelled mockingly, "Hey Tarazan? Would Jane and you like to come up for dinner tonight?" he asked and then looked back up at her with a smirk.

"Well, you don't have any hair down there! It's like you never hit puberty for Christ sake!" Bella yelled, getting a magazine from the bedside table.

"It's called waxing, I'll give you my waxers number," he scoffed.

She scoffed, turning the page as he rolled his eyes and went back down there.

"I can see it now." He laughed.

"What?" she asked.

"G. W. Bush across your lower abdomen!" he chuckled to himself as he came back up for air he was laughing so hard.

"Get back down there, or honest to god I will become Forks bicycle!" she yelled, pointing a finger at him.

"Oh, that's an upgrade from town horse..." he rolled his eyes going back down.

Bella rolled her eyes.

Five seconds later came Edwards's voice, "Hey Tarzan! Did you hear my wife got a promotion, she's now the town bicycle!" he said and she could practically hear him smirking.

Next Morning

Bella walked out of the bedroom, and into the kitchen, happily thinking of what Edward had made her for breakfast. She opened her eyes to see Edward sitting on the table.

"Where's my breakfast?" she asked, folding arms and tapping foot.

"You can make it yourself, you ain't that lazy!" he scoffed, looking back down at his freshly manicured hands.

"Says the man who thinks the clitoris is a mystical land," smiled Bella sweetly as she walked over to the table, pulling out a chair.

"Well sorry if I can't pleasure my wife... maybe you should try it with your husband once in awhile..." he rolled his eyes, "You know, a little mouth to south resuscitation..."

"Maybe I would if you penis wasn't covered in cobwebs!" she said meanly.

"Just because your legs are wide open, with a neon sign saying open for busiess!" he scoffed, putting a fresh coat of sparkling clear nail polish over his already glossing nails.

"At least I had a name in high school... wait, you did too... what was it again," fains thinking expression, "oh, that's right; social retard!"

"I was not a social retard!" he gasped, placing a shiny hand to his chest.

"You storm away with a hunched back, a twisted look of hatred and distaste on your face and then you sit by yourself in every class!"

"I only ever used to have a look of distaste on my face when you walked by because the smell of your blood made me want to kill you," he smiled warmly.

"You have a weird body," she smiled.

"You have disgusting, man-like, sausage finger hands," he also smiled.

"That must be why you like it when I give you hand jobs," she nodded.

"Oh, and I saw you on the TV the other day!" he said sincerely.

"What?" she asked.

"Yeah, you were on the proactive add! Things have really cleared up for you since then!" he smiled, caressing his smooth, flawless cheek.

"You're just jealous that you went through the ages of 13 and 16 with a crater face!" she scoffed, a naughty glint in her eyes.

"Who told you?" his face was absolutely blank.

"Surprising what Emmet will say when you slip a E in Emmet's PowerAde..." she smiled.

"Your psychotic!" he yelled, his face a plaster of horror as he dropped his glit'n'shine nail polish.

"What else do you expect me to do when you kidnap me on the weekends and make your siblings hold me hostage while you go and eat deer?" she asked, finding a newspaper and flipping through it.

"Um, sit at home and pine for me to come back into your arms once more and then beg for me to sleep with you until I ask you t marry you which kills the mood?" he suggested.

"So the only reason you always asked me to marry you was cause you didn't want to have sex?" she scoffed.

"Yes," he shrugged, taking his shoes off and picking up his nail polish to get started on them, "Until one god awful day you actually said yes, and off course I _had_ to go through with it then..." he muttered to himself.

"You're an idiot," she stated as she started to read a article about Brad Pitt.

"Yes, yes I am.." he sighed.

"Oh, Edward!" she smiled as though she just remembered something, "I saw you in that movie the other day!"

Edward looked at her, waiting for her humorous insult.

"100 year old virgin!" she laughed to herself as he gasped in surprise.

"Bitch!" he whispered.

"Frigid bitch..." she muttered.

On their way home, getting off the plane

The pilot handed Edward his bags, mainly Bella's, one being his.

"Bella, would you help me with the bags?" he asked as she slurped her slushy, big sun hat over one eye as she arched an eyebrow at him. She began to walk off.

"Bella, you can't leave, I have your passport!" he rolled his eyes.

"I have your virginity!" she yelled back walking towards the stairs.

He rolled his eyes, "God help me..." he sighed staring up at the sky that then broke into thunder.

"Sorry, I'm sorry!" he whimpered, stumbling towards the stairs, kicking one of the bags that had fallen along as it started to rain, his Hawaiian styled shirt getting drenched.

"That's what you get when you fall in love," he started to sing.


End file.
